this is part 2 of my home shoot with rebeka. it's always lovely hanging out with her. this shoot was done 3 days after a really hard breakup, and it helped to distract me. it's strange to think that i'll be moving out of this tiny apartment at the end of the month. i love living alone and having my own space to come home to, but i want to save money and travel more. life is weird.
These photos were taken in September 2015 by one of my best friends, Amy. It was the end of summer. I had sold and given away most of my belongings... And in a month I was about to take on the biggest adventure I've ever been on (moving to Australia). We rediscovered these photos the other night, and I absolutely love them. Amy was mentioning how different I looked a year and a half ago... Grown out roots + hardly brushed hair and less tattoos. I think it's important to reflect on where you've been and how far you've come since then. I can't wait to revisit the Bluffs this summer. It's crazy to think that these beautiful cliffs are just a short drive from downtown Toronto.
Big things that happened in the last week:
- I turned 24 years old.
- My boyfriend suddenly and unexpectedly broke up with me.
- I saw two of my favourite bands with my best friends.
- I picked up a new passport + booked a trip to NYC.
- Rebeka came over and took these photos of me.
It's been an emotional rollercoaster... But I'm ready to take on 24 with everything that I have. I'm so lucky to be surrounded by the most supportive and loving friends. This year I plan on stepping foot in a few new countries, and doing a big adventure every 6 months (with little adventures in between, of course.) I'll be launching a travel specific portion on here soon. I want to be a better listener, lover, and friend. I want to live more in the present, and learn how to gracefully let go of the past. I want to read more books and spend less time on social media (I bought a kobo for my birthday!!). I want to finally get my drivers license back, and purchase a vespa, again. I want to write more... In journals, online, and letters to loved ones. I want to focus on the light and positives.
last month, stefanie / the tallest mermaid and i went to a tall girl meet up hosted by the tall society (bree)! shoutout to bree for being such a beautiful role model for tall girls across the globe. this brunch was filled with laughter, stories, amazing food, and dancing. i can't wait for the next event!
i'm thrilled to be posting this set today! last week i had the dream team: daniel (photograher), luna (stylist), sammy (makeup), and daniel wellington (watch). we all froze our butts off... it was -20 with the windchill. however, shooting in high park in the winter was on my bucket list, and we did it! i told daniel that i'm in love with death cab for cutie, so he put on a dreamy playlist while we were shooting. it made the cold a little more bearable. i absolutely love all of these photos.
look 3 - dress: for love & lemons
these photos were taken a year ago. at 22 years old. a time in my life when
- i was living out of a duffle bag in australia after giving away / selling everything i owned
- i was 3.5 months into a 1 year working holiday visa
- i had not touched my hair with bleach for 11 months
- freckles covered my entire body
- i was manically depressed and craving any sort of familiarity + comfort
- i was missing toronto for that reason
- my hair was salty from daily ocean dips
- i had no money except for a credit card
- i was extremely unsure of where to move forward with my life, in fear of making the wrong choice
- i was battling the first stages of major post traumatic stress disorder
- i was trying my best to make the most of my time in australia because i knew i had given up so much to be there... but i also knew i would never feel fully settled because my time there was temporary
i took these photos because i knew that one thing i loved about living in toronto was always being able to express myself through photography. i'm looking back on these photos now and they make my heart sink. although coming back to toronto and starting my life over, after a long 8 months of backpacking around australia, was a very humbling experience... i can't tell if where i'm at now, a year later, is any better or worse. coming "home" was supposed to be my saving grace, yet, despite having the few comforts that i was craving so badly back then (an apartment, a permanent bed to sleep in, my cat, ect)... i'm still poor and living pay cheque to pay cheque. i've continued making wrong choices, even if i made them with the best of intentions. i've continued to feel restless, unsettled, and unsure of what i'm doing. i've still met shitty people and i've had terrible jobs. i've continued to battle my mental health, possibly more than ever. if anything, being back in a zone of comfort allowed my mind the metal capacity to fully be effected by the consequences of every heavy hardship i went through on that trip. that makes sense, right?... because i wasn't worried about where i was going to sleep, or what i was going to have for my next meal, the darkness i tried to push away in the back of my mind had room to expand. the demons i was battling began to sink deeper into my bones.
what i've realized while pushing through, day after day, is that no matter where you go on this planet, you are going to experience dark times and hardship. would i rather experience these struggles while living alone beside the ocean in australia, or, by sitting in the comfort of a 236 square foot apartment in downtown toronto? my head and my heart have been at an aggressive war over this.
as my 23rd year starts to come to a close, i can confidently say that it's been the hardest year of my life. so i'm sitting here. heavy. reflecting. at the time i took these photos, i didn't realize how significant they would be for marking a page in one of my biggest milestones to date. i'm proud of myself for taking the risk and going on such an awfully big adventure. i'm so thankful that i had the strength to last 8 months there on my own... and i'm grateful i felt like i had a place, that meant enough to me, to come back to. for now i can either continue to sit in the darkness and regret that's nearly completely consumed me, or i can reach for the light (wherever that is). maybe, somehow, i can find the courage to kill the monster that's been living in my chest.
i feel torn in every direction. i miss the ocean and the sunshine, but i also love cuddling with my cat. i miss my strawberry roots and freckles, but i also love my white hair and pale skin. maybe one day i'll find a balance where my heart is full and my mind is at peace.
for now, and for a while, i'll occupy space in toronto.
i'll forever be a lost girl. a wandering soul.
I love Valentines Day. I love celebrating love and the relationships I have with the people who mean the most to me. This year was my first time having a significant other, so it felt extra special.
black bodysuit: hm // lavender baby doll: victorias secret // black high waisted panties: hm // bralet: 507 queen
My V-Day shoot from last year in Australia is here.
July 2015 with Max Fairclough
"Come day, you'll say you cannot stay. What's more, I'll feel the same. It happens every time. So I've come to find everyone goes away. I'm destined to remain. You were never mine, so you were perfect."
I am so excited to share a new creative I did with two of my lovely friends Amy (photographer) and Kara (mua). We all went together in brainstorming ideas for the shoot with colour schemes, themes, setting, and props.
We first started out with using milk and powdered milk in the bath, to make it super dreamy. We added in some flowers and shot with those. Then we took out all the flowers, added in a pink bath bomb from lush and later added the flowers again. It was a lot of work for us to do in my bathroom, but we managed to pull it off. I am extremely happy with the results!
When Rebeka, Lauren, and I drove a couple of hours outside Toronto, we didn't really know what to expect, but we were pleasantly surprised with the locations we found. This is the second location we shot at for the day.